Destroying books since 1999.
So, I’m doing a new review series called Failrotica. The purpose of this is to explore the depths of human relationships when it comes to romance novels. Erotica, in particular.
I need to mention that I’ll be a complete troll about it, so if you actually enjoy this genre then I might advise you to avoid reading my reviews since they most probably will make you angry. I’m a nice person. I care.
Back to my introduction. I’ll be choosing only la crème de la crème of erotica. Yes, I do find erotica boring and extremely repetitive, so I need good material to work with. This being said, I’ll go for monster, bizarro and fairytale retellings - because they just crack me up.
Let’s start with the raping of one of my most favorite childhood books, shall we?
Oh, my god. I just fucked a king!
Meet Alice O’Brien, our lovely, self-respecting and clearly intelligent heroine. The first thing we find out about her is that she’s flawed. Completely and hopelessly flawed. Why is that, you ask? She is flawed because of her full figure. Ample hips, large heavy breasts and vast bottom. (!sarcasm) No man, nor woman, can ever take her seriously because of this. But at least her fiancé, Jon, is there to help her.
Damn Jon. Her somewhat forgetful—make that irresponsible— fiancé.
And her hot and, despite all logic, skinny twin, Alexi.
Why couldn’t she be slender, with all those thick, wavy, auburn locks like her twin?
After Alice loses her job for no apparent reason (the poor thing, she probably thinks it’s because of her vast bottom), she comes home only to find her beloved fiancé busy making a sandwich. And, to her complete horror, he wasn’t planning on sharing it with her!
Jon was engaging in a ménage à trois—fulfilling Alice’s fantasy for another woman.
His reason, you ask?
She’d heard Jon say: If Alice wasn’t so fat…
Hurt beyond reason, she makes her escape and ends up resting on a bench in a secluded park. Oh, sorry. Did I say resting? I meant to say masturbating. Yes, she ends up masturbating in the quiet park using raspberry lotion! Pain works in mysterious ways…
And now we switch to Wonderland, which appears to be in a bit of a predicament. King Jarronn, our charming male lead, is worried sick for his people.
It should have been a time of growth for Jarronn’s people, too—a time for males to seed their mate’s wombs. A time to look forward to new births in the fall.
The horrible fates of all these fertile women not being able to accept the seed of their virile men… I cannot bear the thought…
Veins rose along the surface of Jarronn’s muscles as rage filled him anew that he had been unable to break Mikaela’s powerful mind spells…the black sorcery that had rendered the women of Tarok incapable of conception for nearly two decades.
King Jarronn’s people are dying, and the only way of saving them is by picking a random, yet special, woman and knocking her senseless with his mighty sausage!
The fate of the kingdom lies in the hands of the ever erect Jarronn, who, despite being a world apart, happens to catch onto a new scent. Alice’s raspberry, and other intimate liquids that I dare not mention, concoction seems to be music to King Jarronn’s ears. Yes! He finally found the woman who will save his kingdom from Mikaela’s oh so brilliant barren curse!
Jarronn lures the easily confused Alice through a metaphorical rabbit hole and traps her in Wonderland. Fortunately, she is a strong independent woman, and she will fight for her virtue with all her strength!
“I am Jarronn, but you may refer to me as Milord .”
Milord’s charm at its best! Alice can’t help but be impressed.
“You will obey my every command, wench,” he said as he slid the satin from her hair. “And you will accept and enjoy whatever punishment is dealt.”
Alice is yet to find out that becoming Milord’s queen will not be easy. She has to pass several hard and lengthy tests in order to prove that she is worthy of leading the ever aroused people of Wonderland!
This woman would need to learn to trust him completely, and to follow whatever orders he may dictate, for her own safety as well as the safety of his people.
Her first lesson comes quickly.
“Always thrust out your chest when you are looking at me, so that I might better view your beautiful treasures.”
Milord is assigned with the difficult mission of making Alice know that she is beautiful. A very difficult mission indeed. She must be stripped bare, chained up, ordered around and displayed as an exotic possession in order to increase her self-esteem.
Would she ever love his people and his kingdom, if she could not even love herself? Damnation but he’d make her see herself for the beauty she was. And she would fall in love with him.
She must trust him completely!
“I am High King of Tarok, and amongst my people such respect is expected. If one person does not show respect, loyalty, and trust, it could cause others to believe there is a flaw in my leadership.”
As days pass by, Alice seems to adapt to the life of a sex slave soon to be queen.
Jarronn owned her. Not like a slave, but as a treasured possession, and she really liked how it felt to belong to him.
Sorry, my mistake. Alice seems to adapt to the life of a treasured possession soon to be queen. Her self-esteem seems to have increased. Also, Milord turned out to be a weretiger. His very thick and sandpapery tongue proving useful in very dry situations.
Alice also had to admit that she certainly didn’t miss a culture that dismissed its heavier citizens. A culture that ridiculed people of size and constantly forced weight-loss advertisements on them. Of course all the ads had perfect-bodied mannequins that made a gal with a few extra pounds want to go out and eat a whole damn cheesecake just for spite.
One night, Alice gets attacked in her sleep by a whip-wielding Dominatrix. Thin and super-sexy, she can only turn out to be evil, as many of the beautiful women of Wonderland do.
“How could you ever think the king could love the likes of you?”
The evil Dominatrix says. She wants to crumple Alice’s self-esteem!
“You’re fat and ugly and no one will ever love you.”
With this extremely original insult she disappears, leaving Alice in tears and her self-esteem in pieces.
How could she have so easily believed that Jarronn could come to love her? There was nothing beautiful or special about her at all.
But yes, Milord does love her! And he proves this by always believing in her. It is time for Alice’s first test. She is to mind-bond with all four Kings of Wonderland - at the same time!
After long seed-gulping and mass penetrating moments, Alice’s trust for Milord is proved. She is ready to mate with him in front of his people and become his Queen.
Several orgies later, the baby hating Mikaela attacks again, but Alice’s self-esteem is impenetrable. Words like “fat” or “ugly” don’t seem to work anymore, and the evil Mikaela makes her escape only to spare the author from bothering herself with creating another villain in the next installments.
“You are my possession, Alice. And you are my queen.”
It would be my greatest joy if you would bear my cubs.
Our dearest Alice is yet to receive her coronation gift!
“The first time I took you as my mate and released the tigri pheromones, the process was started.”
She stilled. “Process?”
With a slow nod, Jarronn said, “Eventually you shall become a weretigress.”
“No kidding?” Alice’s body tensed and her face lit up with hope. “That means I’ll live longer and all that other stuff? And I’ll be able to shapeshift, too?”
And they lived happily ever after. The end.